So, the San Diego Music Awards were tonight, and let's just say, I didn't have the kind of night I was expecting.
First of all, I completely pulled a major space-cadet and thought the awards were at 9:30pm, when they actually started at 7pm, which I discovered while browsing through Facebook, 10 minutes late for a 7:30pm dinner reservation at Humphrey's.
I felt like a tool before the evening even started, until I made it over there and saw how casual it was. Also, it's not like I was presenting an award or up for any awards, I was just there for the fun and the games.
Once home, the conversations that had been fun and casual turned to matters of a darker nature.
I found myself sobbing on the couch, lamenting the lack of nurturing, Mother energy in my life right now. I looked amazing before this, here's how I looked after:
I have this annoying habit of crying my eyes out while wearing shit tons of makeup, which is good because it saves on cleanup time, and also horrifying because it lets you know how hard you were actually crying.
Often times I find myself upset about a situation, only to have a massive breakthrough (often with a lot of crying) to realize that I'm not really upset about the situation at hand. That's what happened tonight. There's a particularly sensitive and difficult situation I've been dealing with for years now, that I finally got to the heart of this evening.
As a sensitive person, as an artist, I struggle with the balance between nurturing and validation. I am well past the point in my career where I need validation... on my performances, on my creative output, on the things I choose to do, say, or wear. But nurturing is a different story. All of us life forms need nurturing from time to time. Plants need the sun and the water. Children need hugs and kisses. And me, as an artist, I need a "good job" or an "I really loved your album" from time to time. I struggle with receiving nurturing, and receiving love. I also struggle with my relationship with my mother, and I am finding that I am missing this sweet Mother energy in my life so much right now.
It was a relief to discover that at the core of this issue that's been eating me from the inside out for the past few years, and most intensely for the past six months, isn't really about the issue at hand, but is about my desire for Mother energy and nurturing. I'm just gonna say that it's okay that I want those things in my life. Because of this massive breakthrough tonight, which again - involved a lot of crying (not cute crying, UGLY crying) - I now have a new game plan.
No expectations means no disappointment. I'm happy to say that I've let go of a lot of expectations tonight. There are many people in my life whom I just want to love me. I want them to love me, care for me, approve of me, and be proud of me. Well? That's not going to happen. Shit happens, y'all.
Time for me to step up and Mother myself a little bit. Time for me to accept and appreciate the sacred energy of Mother Earth and all the other lovely, nurturing forces of Nature around me. This energy that I seek is everywhere; around me and within me.
New game plan. So grateful for these emotional breakthroughs and the massive amounts of growth that always comes with them.
Ugly crying my way to bed... See you tomorrow.
PS - the San Diego Music Awards were amazing, awesome, and fun and I had a wonderful time at Humphrey's :) :) :)